Sunday, January 06, 2008

the quiet time

It's a slump. A feeling of feeling caught, trapped, and contained in a situation I take responsible for creating. In my other career, we had what was known as the "three year hump" to get through. This is different somehow. It's an issue of really questioning whether I can continue at the pace I've created for myself. I've taken on a lot of roles, wanting to challenge myself. Too many roles, not enough time. For me, that is.

The break made me realize, yet again, how much of my life requires neglecting to see my family. I spent the break almost entirely at my parent's home. Those days made me recognize how many times I've spent cutting conversations short on the phone in order to to run down the stairs of the subway to attend yet another meeting of some sort.

On a good day, I'm home by nine at night and up at three in the morning to attend to the paperwork/lesson plans/newsletters that have to be completed. I'm too tired and drained to attend to these things any longer at night. Too exhausted, unable to concentrate. Family and friends fall by the wayside. A text and/or quick e-mail with my Blackberry have become the norm. My monthly planner has to be with me at all times. I can't even "book" a lunch with friends on the weekend. And when I do, I have to always state something like, "I'm good at X PM, but have to be at XYZ by such and such time." And then I eat and chat, while constantly trying to look at my watch inconspicuously.

Keeping up with this blog is an outlet, so excuse the self-pity that this post contains. I'm just running on empty, and taking a close examination of what I can do to get past this hurdle. Some how, some way. There is always an answer. I just can't seem to find it. Not without giving up things that mean something to me. But I guess that is the answer, isn't it?


ms. v. said...

welcome to my world... I wish I had a good answer for you, but I don't. but nothing - NOTHING - is worth giving up whatever it is that's most important to you... whether it's family, friends, enough space in your head to feel alive... NOTHING is worth that sacrifice. or so I have come to believe.

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